MST3K Episode #807 - Terror From The Year 5000

I actually liked this one! Besides the MST3K comedy, this wasn't that bad of a movie. Okay, okay, so really, it was. BUT... it's nowhere near as bad as SOME of the MST3K movies I've seen (Cosmic Princess, Hamlet, Outlaw, and Quest of the Delta Knights come to mind). This movie was more like This Island Earth, where the acting is bad, but it's mostly the fact that the concept was way beyond the capabilities of the time.

Having said that, Terror From The Year 5000 stars super-babe, Joyce Holden, as Claire Erling, the daughter of prominent time-travel professor, Howard Erling (played by Frederic Downs, who coincidentally, was also in The Hellcats, another MST3K head-hitter as well as Night Train To Mundo Fine [Red Zone Cuba]) and Ward Costello as archaeologist, Professor Robert Hedges.

So the movie starts out with a doldrums monologue about how man went to the moon in the 20th century. Then it goes into the movie, where it explains that Howard Erling and his pasty/oily assistant, Victor are trying to conduct science experiments about traveling into the future. Basically, they put something into a capsule, send it to the future, and as they do, the equivalent item from the year 5000 comes out. So they put a little statue into the machine and out pops a statue of a woman's body, a Venus De Milo type thing. So what does Erling do? He sends the statue to his friend, Robert Hedges, to carbon date the statue. After carbon dating the item, Robert realizes the item is from "THE YEAR 5000" (which is incredibly stupidly impossible). So then Robert gets an invitation to Erling's experimental island and decides to go. When he gets off the plane and into his car, he soon realizes he's being followed. What ensues is probably the most pathetic car chase ever. So when he stops the car, his chaser gets out of the car and who is it? Claire Erling, professor Erling's daughter! She explains that she was the one who invited Robert and then remarks about how cute he is. The two of them then go to the island.

When they get there, it's revealed that Victor is actually quite diabolical. He really wants to further the experiments with sending things into the future, while Professor Erling wants things to slow down a bit. Another hilarious character that's introduced is the old peeping tom, Angelo, who lives in a pin-up-plastered shack outside the mansion where he apparently just sits around looking at porn mags all day. So Victor and Claire have some sort of relationship, although it's never really developed as Claire practically jumps Robert as soon as he gets there. After a few nights at the mansion, Robert realizes that Victor has sent living creatures through the time-machine, as he finds a suitcase with some type of dead alien dog in it at the bottom of one of the swamps on the island.

After this, it's pretty much hazy. Victor and Howard get into some kind of fight... The movie basically drags on for the whole huge chunk of the middle. Howard spends most of his time trying to convince Erling that Victor is trying to send living creatures through the machine, which Erling doesn't believe. Victor finally sends a keyring that he has with some Greek translated on it to the future and what they get back is some sort of golden coin with the words "save us" on it, inscribed in Greek. So, sometime after this, Angelo is caught peeping on Claire, which is immediately forgiven, because the Terror shows up right after, which is just hilarious. One minute, dirty old Angelo is outside Claire's bedroom, spying on her changing, and then literally five minutes later in the film, they're like, "Angelo, go get help", like he's their saving angel.

So, Victor somehow brings a living being from the time-machine back to their time, who immediately attacks him. Did I mention the terror has giant rhinestone-type glittery circles all over it's black costume (ROFL!)? Anyway, it attacks him and burns him up with radiation poisoning when Professor Erling, Howard, and Claire are all in town watching a movie. When they get back, they see he's hurt and tell Angelo to go get help. So good 'ole Angelo runs out into the swamp and gets killed by the Terror. Then, they decide to call for a nurse, who ends up getting intercepted by the Terror. The Terror kills the nurse and then puts on her face and goes to the mansion where Erling, Howard, and Claire are. Once the Terror (disguised as the nurse) gets there, Howard and Erling decide to leave (to go and find Angelo, I believe!?) and Claire stays behind to take care of Victor. While Professor Erling and Howard are gone, Claire goes to her room while the nurse "takes care" of Victor. The Terror reveals that in the future, because of the people in the 20th and 21st centuries, 7 out of 8 (or some crap like that) babies are born with radiation poisioning and are born mutated "freaks". She needs to bring Victor back to the future with his pre-radiation genes to start populating the planet with new healthy babies. Just then, Claire comes in there's a weird conflict dialogue between Claire and the Terror. She then leaves and the Terror and Victor go into the room and fire up the time-machine. When Claire sees them doing this, she realizes that the nurse is from the future and they start fighting. In the cat-fight, the Terror's pretty nurse face gets torn off and reveals her true ugly face. The Terror then starts attacking everyone.

I think Victor dies, I don't really remember. Anyway, Professor Erling and Howard show up and save Claire. The Terror dies and then Howard warns that they need to go to the future to help out. Professor Erling then gives some BS speech about how they are the future and that they can change the world and prevent the radiation poisoning. And then that's it.

You have to wonder if they're kidding you at the end of this movie. Not the worst concept, but definitely a failure to execute.